Seagal Facts Vol I

Ok so here's some facts you may not know about the legend known as Steven Seagal.

1. When not destroying puny mortals, he impersonates a priest and heals sick children.


2. One day a year he flies around the world in a single night delivering devastating body blows and black eyes to evil doers as they sleep.

3. He donates his free time, rather he kicks the ass of his free time into submission, by helping the elderly and afflicted.


4.If Steven Seagal fixes his gaze upon you for more three seconds you better thank him and move out of his way or else you only have 2 more seconds until your heart implodes.

5.Steven Seagal's armpits contain a poison gas that his appendix produces called Segalafoxicin that renders foes dazed and bloody.

6.Steven Seagal uses the martial arts technique of "looky here" before he strikes you with a devastating open palm attack known as a biff.

7.Steven Seagal stays healthy by eating a diet of wicked souls and grubs.

8.Steven Seagal does not like to be side eyed. Especially while driving.


9.Steven Seagal is sympathetic to the blind. He encourages blind children to toughen up and will themselves to see again.

10.Steven Seagal Loves Mardi Gras !

Fuck OFF T.O

When is this guy going to die already? We came close today. I can't stand T.O. I can't stand that I'm even writing about him. He went from a cocky big mouthed player who could back up his trash talk, to a flamboyant cry baby to a suicidal has been. For the uninitiated Owens may or may not have tried to kill himself today. I said "no way" the news reports are wrong, but then when I read what people were saying in his camp I realized it had snow job written all over it. Maybe he did try to off himself. I mean it makes sense, he makes millions of dollars, is a superstar in his own right, and is a hot commodity. I mean shit, if I had his problems I'd take a fist full of vicodin and wash it down with some draino.
I'm not going to rant about how these athletes make a ton of money, it's not my style and it usually doesn't bother me, but this guy takes the cake. He takes away from his sport. He is a club house cancer--and he's not even that good. Guys like him have no place in society let alone on a playing field and his antics today demonstrate that.
I guess they all have a bit of Clarett in them.

Swamps, sleep and Dominic

9:15 am. That how long it took until I got my first comment of the day at work this morning. Why even mention it? Because today was a classic. I got "Lou, you look like you crawled out of a swamp."

On a side note, I found out about Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome on wikipedia. Anyone who knows me, or has read my insomnia blog, can probably agree this is what I suffer from or at least suffered from at some point in my life. Take five minutes and read it. It explains alot, like as to why I hate getting up early, have an immunity to sleeping pills (as evidenced by my constant pontification on how I get a 'buzz' from RX sleeping pills), and stay up all freaking night.

On a side note, Dominic Griffin what happened to you? You were one of my favorite real world cast members and certainly the chillest on Season 2 Los Angeles. Anyway I can't find anything on him. He never pops up on those dumb ass spin offs on MTV and you never hear him in the news. Now I know he had a habit of passing out drunk on the beach but I don't think he's dead yet. Last I heard he wrote music reviews and was a bartender. If you know where he is please contact me.

A Lesson

A Lesson to all. A Lesson not to start drinking at 1 in the afternoon. Yes, I'm juvenile, but if you sleep on the job you're going to get hassled. Also, this is Vinny, the lowest form of life, again doing nothing to help his cause.

This is how I found him. "Vinny, what up?" No reply. Internal monologue : "Jesus, if Vinny really isn't dead and you're playing with me, I'm going to be pissed."


Well he was alive.
Apparently mid coitus or whatever the fuck it was he was doing with himself. I feel dirty just looking at this.

Shield your eyes ladies and gents. This corpse is bloated and abused. Too much sunning and too much boozing.


It may not look like it, but the corner of this table is the only thing holding this mess up.

A View From the Trough

Ok here's something else that annoys the shit out of me. Why do parents, especially mothers, find in necessary to feed their babies in public? I'm not even talking about breast feeding. I'm talking about regular, soylent green vegetable paste feeding. For Christ's Sake woman, this isn't a zoo, I'm listening to my walkman I don't need to be privy to this shit show feeding frenzy. I didn't buy a ticket for the face pasting party.

I'm in public, A place designed for the enjoyment and use of everyone. I don't want to deal with a smelly veggie puking crying mess. I witnessed a mother on the bus the other day. First off she struggles to even climb up the STEP onto the bus. She's got a brat on her hip, a ridiculous diaper bag, her hand bag and a stroller. She plops into her seat and then, while ensconced in all this clutter decides "this is a great time to feed my baby some sort of yogurt paste." You know what? The kid could wait. He looks like an extra 20 minutes isn't going to kill him, he's built like the Michelin Man and the back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. See this is the behavior that these parents instill that 16 years later these kids think it's ok to eat an entire chicken dinner on the train.

Idiots

I always find the start of a weekend a time to reflect. A time to think about what the hell has happened in the past five days and what the hell I'm going to do for the next two. Here's some things to think about.

First off what movie to see this weekend?

The Black Dahlia, a story set in the 1940's about the real life murder of Elizabeth Short. Short came to Hollywood, destined to become a famous actress. However, her brutal murder in 1947 would make her famously known as 'The Black Dahlia' and would become a conspiracy and an obsession with all involved. Based on the novel by James Ellroy and directed by Brian De Palma I'm sure at the very least this movie will be decent if not excellent. By the way check out this site for all the crime scene photos etc.

VS

Or maybe I'll see Gridiron Gang directed by the great Phil Joanou. Also based on a true story, it's great to see a movie come out that's not afraid to take chances. It's fresh and original and in no way resembles any sports and/or underdog movies that have ever come out. I'm guessing the plot outline goes something like this :

The true-life story of a coach who tries to teach his players that there's more to life than basketball football is brought to the screen in this sports drama. Ken Carter Sean Porter (The ROCK) was once a star player on the Richmond High School basketball football team in Richmond, CA, and years later he returns to school the prison as the new basketball football coach. While Carter Porter wants to make the Richmond cagers Mustangs into a winning team, he also wants a lot more — to teach the boys Gang Bangers and Murderers to respect themselves and one another, and that they must excel in the classroom as well as in the gymnasium. Under Carter's Porter's guidance, the team turns their losing season around, with the state title a genuine possibility. Etc Etc Etc....

Hey guess what? This week Fuck Face O'Neil and K Fag spit out another hunk of white trash. After debating what to call the kid they decided on Sutton Pierce. I can't even make a joke here because I feel horrible for this kid. Mark it now, another celebrity kid who doesn't have a chance at a normal life because his parents cared so much about him they named him something stupid.

Oh damn, just case you've been asking where all the good Sesame Street Metal Bands have gone, I give ye Cookie Monoloid.

I shit you not these guys are for real. The official band site says, "Cookie Mongoloid is Sesame Speed Metal. See the Cookie Mongoloid in all his blue, furry, googly-eyed glory backed by the baddest of gender mixed metal bands as they decimate and regurgitate your childhood favorites in an abrasive metal wrath."

Aight enjoy the weekend you
poor slobs.

Drummer Fight

Ok so I put a new poll up------>>

I'm thinking a straight up fight, no weapons no holds barred.
Here's what we got I'm guessing its around 1979, there's a record release party in London. Three gents are hanging around in a garden sipping some bubbly, one guy calls the other guy a fairy, someone says The Who's last album sucked. A fight breaks out...here's our contenders:

John Bonham of Led Zeppelin fame. Known for his technical abilities and "feel for the groove." Considered the father of Hard Rock Drumming. Note, the guy was a construction worker. Pure power.

Keith Moon of The Who. His uniquely organic, rolling, anarchic, flowingly controlled yet also out-of-control style remains an influence on popular music today. Note the guy was crazy :Moon's last words were: "If you don't like it, you can just fuck off" after asking his girlfriend to make him steak and eggs for breakfast.

Phil Collins Drummer and lead singer of Genesis. Has a successful solo career. He sings, which is a plus, oh yeah and he's still alive.

Well who do you think would win in a fight?

With Mom's Like That...

Who needs a drug dealer?
I read this story about a Mother who rewarded her 13 year old son for doing his homework by giving him pot. She's been doing it since he was 11. Now at first I'm thinking this kid has hit the big time, but then I thought about it and this lady Amanda Lynn Livelsberger is a real jack ass. First of all you're not even giving this kid a chance. I'm sure his future isn't too bright in the first place being that he's from Pennsylvania, but was it really neccessary to cripple him before he crawled out of the cesspool of adolescence?

Here's the deal -- at 13 most people I know were miserable, but you have to get through that, even maybe a few years of high school before you realize it's all hopeless and then turn to drugs. Now this kid's already starting off with pot, wait until he get's his first pimple and gets shot down for the prom for the first time. Think he's going to hit a bong? hell no he's been doing that since he was 11, it'll be time for something really nice like some crack or china white.

Secondly, this mother obviously isn't too bright. I'm sure she's not hiding anything around the house. So I'm going to assume it was inevitable that the kid was going to do drugs at some point. Maybe take a whiff of mommies thin Lucky Strike, or a taste of momma's vicodins but to give him drugs as a reward is ridiculous. Drugs are expensive, kids are stupid, and if she really loved him she would have got him a hooker.

Into the Yard

Have you ever had the comfort of a familiar place come crashing down? It can be heartbreaking and depressing. That's the way I feel about the backyard. Once the proud site of many a party and countless doob sessions it's now in disrepair. Like a forgotten outpost it has been overrun by weeds and decay. Perhaps scientists and explorers in a future age will be able to decipher what happened to the backyard.

Before we even made it out to the backyard we found this. Deodorant in the freezer. There are many theories why it is there. Some plausible, others outrageous. Three things are for sure. One : it's been in there a while. Two : Someone ain't wearing deodorant. Three: That Corona is about to be snatched up by a 'Rican.

This is The Professor. He's thrilled to be on this expedition. Notice the once elegant swing, perhaps for lovers perhaps for cat piss. Many a summer night were spent on that swing during the heyday of chilling. Now it's sagging and withered. Notice the weeds and underbrush rising from the concrete. I needed my Deet Free Off Spray to go back there.

Yikes. A new character has been introduced in this story. "The Puddle." Could be Doe Estrus, could be Feline Urea or it could be stagnant rain water. Either way my ass isn't sitting there without a Hazmat suit. I've seen "The Puddle" before. Briefly last winter when it was frozen over. So you know through the thawing process any impurities have been removed and the fossilized remains of stoners are forever preserved inside of it. Not to mention mosquito larva and the origins of the West Nile Virus in the tri-state area. Notice how comfortably "The Puddle" rests on the bed of grass and poison ivy.

Exhibit B. Unknown remains wrapped in a severely weathered America Flag. Not sure what it is, but it smelled horrible and no one would touch it.

The Professor is back. This time displaying a seemingly well kept BBQ. I admit for something that's never been covered it looks to be in pretty good shape.

Wrong! Ok I was willing to look past the dirty grill and the dilapidated racks and the random pieces of metal inside. But, The Professor pointed out the heat shielding paint, surely of a toxic lead base to be peeling. His summation "Dude, we're fucking eating that shit. When we're cooking, that shits getting in our food."

Lastly the Lost Ark of the backyard. This is the case that holds all the cooking utensils. It's really quite a nice set. Gotten as a comp at Caesar's Palace. However, The Professor probed. Filled with mosquitoes and water it's safe to say we'll probably never use that set again. Damn shame too, the corn holders were spectacular.

Karate Chops

Taken from the NY Post

Steven Seagal can play the guitar nearly as well as he delivers a devastationg kick to the groin. The pony-tailed action star brags that no actor alive can match his skills on a six-string. "Kevin Bacon, Keanu Reeves, Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner -- they're not even in my universe." Seagal crows to Guitar World Acoustic Magazine. "You can't find another actor who can play guitar as good as me. It's the Truth." Seagal is promoting his new blues album, "Mojo Priest," which includes such standards as "Dust my Broom" and "Hoochie Koochie Man" as well as the self penned tune, "Talk To My Ass."

Ok this is legit I'm not making this up. Apparantly Seagal lives in his own universe, Segalis Andromeda, which is what I always suspected. And no actor alive can play as well as he can. And if there was an actor alive that could play guitar better Steven Seagal has killed them. Lets hope Chuck Norris doesn't decide to play guitar.

More on Seagal Craziness later.

Summer Vacation

Wow, they go quickly now don't they? I mean without school to keep these months in perspective summer kind of gets lost in the mix. Nowadays June through September is more of a mental vacation, a state of mind...here's what I learned this time around.

You can take a trip without leaving your house. Shit, you can take a trip without leaving your sofa. I thank DDMV and King Phillip for this.

Most summer blockbusters are forgettable. I know I saw most of them this year but I can't recall what they are. Police Academy 1 through 4 however is burned in my mind forever.

That first day ages ago when you left the house with no jacket on was magical. I myself thought I'd never forget it. I've forgotten it already and the days are getting shorter again.

Eczema Dihidrosis sucks. I would never wish it on anyone. It robbed me of a month of my life. And not just any month, but a summer month.

Insurance plans suck. Prescriptions cost more than I make. And little jars of cream are actually filled with gold. They must be because they're so damn expensive.

Heart attacks are good for missing a few days of work and that's about all.
Hospitals, which can be eerily quiet are the hardest places to sleep in.
Also, my gown was open in the back the whole time, and though I enjoyed the breeze, the staff did not enjoy the view.

Friends. Friends you may have forgotten about or taken for granted will visit you in a hospitals. Others will not. Enough about hospitals.

I learned Bukowski is my favorite author. Mainly because of prose like this :
after you've pulled off the tablecloth with
the full plate of food
and broken the windows
and rung the bells of
idiots
and have
spoken true and terrible
words
and have
chased the mob through the
doorway--
then comes the great and
peaceful moment: sitting alone
and
pouring that quiet drink.

The world is better without
them.

only the plants and the animals are
true comrades.

I drink to them and with
them.

they wait as I fill their glasses.

**Over the summer I passed this knowledge to a ticket taker at a theater. I hope he never forgets it. I hope he looks up Bukowski**

Teenagers are idiots. Especially the ones that take the air out of your car tires.

Love can be whimsical, love is ephemeral. Love can be permanent, love is dangerous. Love is summer, love is fear in the winter. Love is still problematic for me.
Love knocks me
D
O
W
N

That's about as poetic as I get.

Most people with Rv's and Mobile Homes tow Saturns. Why?

Wilco, Loose Fur, Golden Smog, Uncle Tupelo and Sunvolt are all connected and they're all awesome.

When you rent a house somewhere you've never been before with your best friends it's hard to not have a good time. Even if you sit inside playing video games. Let the steak air out son.

Most cities don't compare to New York. I'm sorry, it's true and I've been testing it out.

However, Baltimore is the only place in the world I've been where I've seen a beautiful girl on the street and then seen her naked a short while later.

Free Concerts = Free Swag

In some circles, I have the smallest hips possible.

Myspace doesn't work for me, but sometimes some people can find true love.

I've learned I'm too young to be a curmudgeon.

If you eat your lunch in an empty office you can hear what your coworkers say about you. And, if you read their emails you can find out who is pregnant.

I can't row a boat to save my life. Come to think of it, I can't row a boat to save the lives of others.

Rain, cops and bench tickets have the potential to ruin a camping trip, but if I lighten up things aren't so bad.

Soup is a meal. And I can probably eat more of it than most people.

If she's wearing a giant plastic rainbow ring, she's a lesbian. Trust me.

Sometimes, things with an ex aren't as cool or as far back in your mind as you would like to think. Especially when they hate you.

To thy own self be true. Or, at the very least be as true as you can to the ideals that the most important person in your life has set for you.

If you see something, say something. If you wait it may be too late. Or worse, no one may be listening.

Some old friends are like herpes they never go away. First they stalk you in their Monte Carlo then they ambush you at the barber shop.

If I had to shit or get off the pot, I'd probably get off the pot.

My sister can never seem to buy me t shirts that fit. Hrmpphhh.

If someone says they're going upstairs to "find a shirt" or "take a shit", chances are they're going to bed and they're done for the rest of the night.

I like storms. I like to stay up during a storm.

I asked my mom what she thought of the summer, she said it was a terrible summer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She was a fan of the croc hunter.

I'm Back...and other empty Promises

Greetings. The summer is over. I've been up all night, and most of the day (except when work got in the way) and you'll be pleased to know that I'm working on updating all sites in the rexojunkies family. New blog updates are on their way. I've read more books that haven't made it up here and I've learned all sorts of new shit, like don't ever taunt a hungry pitbull. Can't wait to drop some knowledge. Stay tuned.